Waiting for Columbus Read online

  She finds him in the upper courtyard, sitting in the sun, his eyes closed, an orderly thirty feet away, leaning against the main building, watching. Another orderly is sitting in one of the three stairways reading. She’s not sure if he’s taking a break or if they’re that worried about Columbus. She looks at her patient. He’s got sunglasses propped on his face-not exactly square but they do offer a scratched, half protection. The institute offers all its patients utilitarian sunglasses-signs them out to whoever wants a pair. Insists they be returned intact.

  “How are you?”

  He flips open his robe, reveals a steady erection. “First one in weeks.”

  Nothing surprises her anymore when it comes to Columbus. “Side effect from the drugs?”

  “One can only hope,” he says.

  “You must be pleased.”

  “It scares me. These drugs scare me. I spent months that felt like years out of my mind and… now, two weeks stuck in a hellish nightmare in which I am at sea, and tempted by Satan. And I don’t do well.” He stops, looks up into the sky, moves his hand along the stubble at his jawline. Swallows hard. “I don’t know if I was dreaming or hallucinating.”

  She can’t see his eyes. Consuela was not expecting this vulnerability. She drags a chair over, makes a shushing sound in the morning, makes two long lines in the gravel, sits down, and looks at his unshaven face.

  ***

  “ Columbus is at sea. I am at sea. I am on the deck of a ship, which I command. And we are adrift in a thick mist. The mist hangs, it persists, clings to us and we are becalmed. We do not see anything but the paleness, the heat is oppressive, and every time the young man walks by I am bothered. It is not a feeling I expected.”

  ***

  The crewman is named Bertrand, a skinny young man. This is impossible, yet there it is again. Just thinking about him causes a reaction. There must be something wrong with me, Columbus thinks.

  It has been two full days of this becalmed, thick fog, and each night Bertrand and Columbus meet at the starboard bow and talk about what to do. Tonight, Columbus cannot believe his ears.

  “If you take me to your cabin,” Bertrand whispers, “I will tell you how to get out of here.”

  “What?”

  “Bed me,” he says, “and I will save you and your ships.”

  “I do not lie down with men, and anyway, from what will you save us?”

  “This fog, this becalmed death, this sitting dead in the water while food and water run down, this calm that numbs all hope, this-”

  “-Enough. I admit we are in a little trouble. But we are only twenty-six days out. How do I know you have the power to save us from this?”

  “You will have to act on your faith, your intuition, trust.”

  Columbus turns away from the young man. With both hands firmly grasping the railing, he looks into the thick, black night. “No,” he says, “I will not.”

  At noon of the next day there is only a white, even light all around them. Sunlight is brightly diffused. They cannot tell where the sun is, exactly. Crewmen begin to grumble out loud. Columbus stays in his cabin all day. He studies the charts and drinks. At sunset he walks the deck speaking to his crew. He tells them not to worry. “I have seen worse off the coast of Britain. There will be wind tomorrow,” he says. “This won’t last.” The men are silent in the face of his buoyancy.

  That night, Bertrand continues his pursuit. “You are famous for your faith in the unbelievable, Columbus. Is my offer too much of a push for that faith?”

  They are near Columbus ’s cabin, sometime after midnight. The watch has just changed. It is another dead, black night.

  “I have faith in things that have small slivers caught up in reality.”

  “If you bed me,” Bertrand says, “not only will I get you out of this fog but I will find the land you seek.”

  “What?”

  “I know exactly where the land is.”

  “How could you? Nobody has ever been there before.”

  “Has nobody ever been there before?”

  Columbus peers into the shadow where Bertrand’s face is hidden. This boy could not possibly know how to find land, he thinks. He is bluffing. It is a bluff I would dearly love to call. How I would like to bed him if only he were a woman. Even with his scarred face and whispered voice, there is something irresistible. If only he were female. I have never had such feelings of lust, passion.

  “Are we going to your cabin, Columbus?” Bertrand says.

  God don’t let me say yes. I want to say yes, but I can’t. I yearn to say yes and take this young man to bed and see what happens with the weather and landfall.

  “No, not for all the riches that Marco Polo spoke of,” Columbus says.

  The next morning there is blue sky above the ship. Fresh air descends and there is muffled cheering from the decks of the other ships. Columbus is woken up by the cheers and celebratory shouting on his own ship. But as he rushes out on deck the cheers turn to cries of anguish and outrage as the blue sky is eradicated by a fog even thicker than before.

  “It must be breaking up,” Columbus says. “You there. Climb up the rigging and see if the ceiling has lifted. Keep a watch up top and let me know if there’s any change.” A sailor drops a coil of rope and begins to climb up through the fog. When those on deck lose sight of him, they know the fog is not breaking up. Columbus turns and silently retreats to his cabin.

  ***

  Consuela leans forward and tries not to smile. “This story, in which you found a man to be beautiful, horrifies you?”

  “I am never attracted to one of my crew in a sexual way. How can this be, when I have had such affairs with Beatriz and Selena, and so many others? And then this young man comes along and I am suddenly attracted? How can this be?”

  “You’ve had a rough few weeks. Relax.”

  “Oh, it doesn’t end there.”

  “There’s more?”

  “Yes, there’s more.”

  ***

  The four captains meet at noon on Columbus ’s ship. Talavera, Varela, and Pinzon all take the wine Columbus offers them, make their perfunctory offering to Jesus and God and the king and queen, and then drink in silence. Varela and Pinzon both choose to sit at the head of the table, Talavera doesn’t care, and Columbus invites them to gather at one end.

  “Things go well on my ship,” Talavera says. “The men are happy in their work and do not concern themselves with the weather.” After a few minutes, he adds: “Admittedly, the weather is odd, but nothing to fear. Everything is fine.”

  He’s grown a full mustache and beard since they left port. Varela and Pinzon have three or four days of beard growth. Columbus himself has not shaved for six days. All have dark shadows under their eyes and their clothing is unkempt. Varela and Pinzon nod their heads. In reality, they are just barely able to keep their crews from turning on them. The only thing that saves them all is the utter hopelessness of the situation regardless of who is in command.

  “There is no fear on my ship,” Varela says. “We will wait it out. I’ve been in much worse situations off the coast of Africa.”

  “Everything is fine on my ship as well. We are eager to move on to the new discoveries,” Pinzon says, holding his glass out for more wine. He’s a small weasel-like man with a long nose and throaty voice.

  “I have never witnessed the calm seas such as these,” Talavera says. “It is very interesting.”

  “This fog is thick as shit,” Varela says.

  “Very thick,” Pinzon says.

  “But everything is fine,” Talavera says. He stands up and walks to the door. “I must empty myself at the rear of your ship, Admiral Columbus.”

  “Nothing to worry about.”

  “Could you pour just a little more wine?”

  “God and his son Jesus Christ will make the winds blow soon,” Varela says.

  “God will not abandon us,” Pinzon says.

  “The grace of God and all his mercy will end thi
s… interesting calmness.”

  “All the saints and His Holiness the Pope have blessed this voyage.”

  Talavera comes back in, sits down heavily, and looks at Varela and Pinzon. “Mentiras,” he says.

  Pinzon and Varela stand up. Both men place their hands on the hilts of their swords. Columbus leans back and smiles.

  “I include myself in that statement,” Talavera says. “Sit down, please. I wish to clear the air of the smell of mierda. There has been a great deal of shit spoken since we sat down.” The two captains sit. “I apologize to you, Don Columbus, and to you, my esteemed fellow captains. But we are in trouble and we have been speaking as if this was not the case.”

  Columbus pours another round. The four men drink quietly for a while.

  “We could link up the ships by rope and then row.” Varela looks around at the tired eyes of the other captains. He knows how ridiculous this suggestion is. Row toward what, and in what direction, and to what end? On the first day of fog this suggestion would be laughable, but after four days it does not sound so silly. Working at something is better than sitting still in the water.

  “Morale might rise a bit if we rowed in a direction, even a few hours a day,” Talavera says. “One thing is certain, we must leave this cabin in agreement and with a plan, or it will be the last meeting we four have.”

  “Rowing might work,” Pinzon says, holding his glass out again.

  Columbus sits back in his chair and rubs his face. Washes a hand through his hair. His hair is black in his dream, not the white it has been since he was twenty years old.

  Varela frowns, picks up the bottle, and empties it into Pinzon’s glass. “If we row, we must appear to be certain of the direction. We must behave as if we know exactly where we are going.”

  “ Columbus, you lead this expedition. What do you say?” Talavera leans forward and looks down the table at Columbus who is half hidden in shadow.

  “I say we get more wine.” He twists in his chair and pulls open the door. “Bertrand! More wine,” he says loudly. Bertrand leans into the cabin and Columbus whispers into his ear.

  “I really don’t think we can drink our way out of this situation,” Talavera says.

  Columbus shoots back. “I would not suggest this. I do have a plan, though.” He whispers something else to Bertrand and then turns around.

  The three captains sit up, shift in their seats.

  “You will hear my plan when Bertrand returns.”

  The gentle sound of lapping ocean is disturbed by a knock at the door. Bertrand places three bottles of wine on the table. He leaves for a moment and then returns with two enamel washbasins filled with water, soap, razors, clean towels, and a bundle of clothing.

  “I hope you’re not suggesting we kill ourselves here in your cabin.” Talavera smiles. “Because while it seems hopeless, weather is a woman who changes her mind often.”

  “Gentlemen,” Columbus says, “the first thing we are all going to do is clean up.”

  “Clean up?” Talavera says. “Do you mean to insult us?”

  “He does insult us.” Varela half stands, bumps his head on a hanging lamp. “Shit! This is insulting.”

  “Sit down, Varela,” Columbus says. “This is no insult. Hear me out.”

  Varela sits. The lamp swings back and hits him on the head again. It cuts his forehead in the shape of a small crescent moon. Varela pulls his hand away from his head with blood on his fingers. He shrugs and goes to pour wine into his glass, but the bottle is not yet opened. He is indifferent to the blood dripping from his forehead.

  Talavera takes the bottle from him, opens it, and pours wine for everybody. “Very well, Columbus, why is this insult not an insult?”

  “What do you usually feel when you shave in the morning?”

  The three captains look at one another.

  “Well, what do you feel? Varela? Pinzon?” Columbus looks around the table.

  “For the past few days we have not been shaving,” says Varela. “We get up now and feel dread.”

  “Yes, dread.”

  Talavera leans back in his chair. “Do you mean normally, Columbus?”

  “Yes, if you were back in Spain, with your woman in bed and the children eating breakfast with their nanny, and then got up to shave.”

  Talavera smiles and the two teeth he is missing at the left and front of his mouth take nothing away from the joy of his comprehension. “I feel good. Happy.”

  “Do you feel hope?”

  “Yes, usually I feel hopeful about the day.”

  “My plan is to present the image of absolute hope. Even though we men do not say it, I believe it is impossible to shave in the morning without some hope. If we captains look and behave like we have hope, it will calm the men.”

  Silence. They sit thinking about what he has just said.

  “There are also fresh clothes here. From now on, we shall all shave in the morning, and I order each man in the fleet to do the same. Today we will look like we have hope. I will shave with you.”

  “And tomorrow?” Talavera says.

  “Tomorrow, we will shave again. And we will row.”

  “In what direction?”

  “Whatever direction your ship is facing, Talavera. That is the direction of our rowing.”

  “That’s absurd,” Pinzon says. “We can’t see the sun nor can we see the stars nor the moon, and we are to row? We are going to row-”

  “You’re right, Pinzon,” Columbus says. “We’ll row in the direction your ship faces in the morning.”

  Pinzon closes his mouth.

  “And we’ll call our technique for finding directions in fog the Pinzon Maneuver, after Señor Pinzon, my friend and eternally optimistic captain. And yes, Pinzon, this is another random choice.”

  Columbus slides one of the basins down the table. “Repeat after me,” he says, “the Pinzon Maneuver. A new system for finding direction. The Pinzon Maneuver.”

  The four men perform their shaving, talking quietly about how long each day they will row and speculating on how the crew will react to the odd order about shaving. But for some reason, Columbus cannot shave himself, or does not shave himself. Bertrand enters quietly and begins to shave Columbus. Columbus has an erection that bumps the underside of the table. He acts as if everything is fine but he is wild with lust for this ugly young man. And when the captains are finished, they dress in fresh clothing, call smiles to their faces, and go back to their own ships. Columbus does not get up to see to the departure of the captains. He dismisses Bertrand and sits in agonized misery.

  So everybody shaves. The crew grumbles but they shave, and they do feel a bit better regardless of the oppressive sky and fog and calmness of the sea. They row for two hours in the direction Pinzon’s ship is facing. The following day, they perform the same routine. And the following day it is the same thing. And the next day, the grumbling begins and shaving does not feel quite as hopeful anymore. The crews begin to gather in small groups, which fall silent when a captain draws near. There are direct questions about the Pinzon Maneuver. And at midnight, the hooded Bertrand comes to Columbus for the final time.

  “You’re dead in the water, Columbus.”

  Columbus nods into the empty darkness. “I am hard-pressed to remember blue sky.”

  “I will get you out of this if you bed me.”

  “How?”

  “Faith, Columbus, have faith.”

  “How is it that you have this supposed power to save us?”

  “Faith, Cristóbal, my friend.”

  “You are the devil!” He crosses himself and backs away.

  “Oh don’t be such a child. You know better than that. Satan is back running the Inquisition. Running Rome. Selling passage to heaven and pocketing the money.”

  “Who are you?”

  “Someone who can save you. Someone who can get you wind and sky. Who can find your new land. Who can do all these things if you simply take me to bed.”

  “No. I ca
n’t.”

  “How badly do you want to find the new land, Don Cristóbal? Why don’t you give in to your gut and your heart, and your desire, and forget your brain?”

  Columbus turns away, looks out at the nothingness. “Certainly, yes, somehow I am attracted to you in a different way than friendship. Different than comradeship. It is a strange thing that I cannot understand. It is an evil thing.”

  “Why do you say evil? Does it feel evil? Is not an urge an urge?”

  “It goes against God’s will.”

  “Didn’t Jesus say we should love one another?”

  “Not like this.”

  “Bed me, Columbus.”

  “There are those on board who would report this to the Inquisition.”

  “Not if we’re alone behind a locked door.” Bertrand takes Columbus ’s hand and leads him slowly to his cabin.

  ***

  “That’s not such a bad dream,” Consuela says. “A tad embarrassing, I suppose, but it’s just a story, yes?” Consuela smiles.

  Columbus sighs heavily. “I am a navigator, a pretty good navigator… and in this nightmare, I am useless. How is this a good story?”

  “Does it matter how you get there?”

  “Yes, of course it does. Do you not know me by now? The journey is everything! The way one does something is everything.”

  “By the way, your last escapade through the window, your journey toward freedom, your attempted escape-how in the hell did you get out of your room?”

  “Can’t say.”